My ADHD Identity Crisis

For years and years (my whole life) i’ve felt like i don’t belong in the spaces i’d put myself in and i’ve recently realized this is likely because im something i just made up called an ADHD hobbyist. Everyone knows about ADHD hyperfixations and the whirlwind of interests this can bring someone through. I’ve spent a lot of time trying new interests and diving into those communities but the problem is i never stuck around long enough to make real connections.

Memory of this starts as far back as i can remember as a kid. First it was gymnastics and dance, after i lost interest it was band and playing the clarinet but just only until everyone in the neighborhood was very into biking, skateboarding and doing really cool tricks that i never had the patience to learn. Late pre-teen years before high school was a focus on spending time online, tinkering with myspace themes, chatting on the most popular instant messengers and everything else that came with this very regular teen hobby.

During high school i don’t really think i had much to focus on. This could be partly because i attended 3 different high schools (practically a new one each year) or because i spent a lot of time trying to navigate my living situation. Will my family ever read this blog? I’ll play it safe and avoid too many details. High school years were tough that’s all i’ll say. I moved out a month before graduation and with that space from family i started finding time for myself again.

I’ve always been the “artsy type” through all these years but this is when i started focusing more on creating bigger works of art and practicing. I drew all the time, painted small canvases, and even tried to pick up graffiti art (i even tagged a few canals). This journey was all while living with 3 stoners with the defining hobby i couldn’t possibly care less about. Nothing against it, just truly not for me. Not so many years later i started collecting gemstones/crystals/whatever you want to call them. This lead to eventually trying to learn tarot, astrology, and all the related topics you could think of. Did you know i have a level 4 reiki certificate? (lol)

For some reason, i lost interest in most of the above and started to focus more on the interests that have been present throughout the tornado of interests. Art and video games. I didn’t really mention above about gaming; I was unsure if where it would fit. I’ve played them for almost as long as i can remember, they weren’t always anything good, we got a lot of hand-me-down games or my parents just brought home whatever but i played them anyways.

My point with all of this is i never really stayed interested in anything long enough to know what i truly enjoyed or to make meaningful connections to those with similar interests. This created a lot of the “no one gets me” tantrums but even if dramatic i still didn’t have friends often and if i did they were extremely circumstantial. I’d say my oldest friendship currently maintained is only 3 years old.

Maybe some of this experience was ADHD, maybe some of it was circumstances of the hand i’ve been dealt in life. I’m uncertain but i feel like not staying interested is a big part of this feeling. I’m not the type of medical professional that can truly give insight on ADHD etc etc, i’m just a person typing a blog about what may have been my experience. Your experience with ADHD could be very different, this could also have nothing to do with ADHD, maybe it’s the autism, maybe i’m just too inconsistent to keep up with anything because of nothing in particular, nothing to blame. I don’t like that thought though, it’s the root of this feeling of not having a true personality or hobby or whatever.

Occasionally, i do feel jealous of people who’ve maintained a few hobbies through their lives and eventually had something to show for it- collections, a skill, awards, a career, etc. but even so, i don’t think id change how i’ve experienced my interests in life. I don’t think i feel so lost with myself these days. I’m comfortable with what im interested in and remain open to spending too much money on a hobby that I’ll care about for a single weekend. I think part of this comfort came when i found people who are interested in the things i have been long term (even if they’re far greater enthusiasts than id ever achieve). I’ve also noticed the right people don’t really care what my interests are because even if they don’t know about it themselves, they’ll still listen to me talk anyways.

If you made it this far through my rambling i’d love to hear if you’ve had similar experience in life? Like i said, this might not be related to ADHD at all, maybe it is, maybe it’s because i’m literally just a girl? Who knows. Thanks for reading